One Month Postpartum

I am now just over a month postpartum. So much has happened since my last post and so much I want to share including my birth story but since I probably only have thirty minutes before baby O wakes up and wants to feed, I am going to get down as much of what’s on my mind right now.

First off, I love being a mom. It’s hard AF but I love it. Nothing could have prepared Luke and I for the steep learning curve of parenthood. I wish there was a manual, but there isn’t. The advice and google searches have been super helpful but every situation is unique and different. You kind of just jump into the deep end of the pool and figure out how to swim. A few weeks in and I finally feel like Luke, ‘Olena and I are finding our groove, understanding each other and working as a team. I slept a total of seven and a half hours last night! I mean, not consecutively, but I only got up once! Feels like a huge win and step in a positive direction.

Rewind to yesterday, we took ‘Olena to the beach to swim in the ocean together for the first time. I had the day marked down in my calendar and have been counting down the days. After my bleeding finally slowed last week and ‘Olena’s belly button dried up, we decided it was finally okay to test the waters. 

This has been the longest time I have ever had to stay out of the ocean or have not been able to surf. I feel very fortunate to have never had a serious injury before so this pregnancy and post period will be my first time figuring out how to "come back”. I am learning how to take baby steps and not rush the process but it’s challenging. My daughter is earth side now and all I want to do is move the way I used to and start feeling myself again. The healing is slow. I think I can do more than I can and get frustrated when I realize I can’t.  

When we got to the beach yesterday, the winds and conditions were so dreamy. It was never the plan but a friend had a board to borrow so I was like, why not?! Just one wave. When I grabbed the board and put it under my arm, it felt so foreign. I barely could walk over the slippery rocks to get in the water because nothing in my body felt like it was firing properly to stabilize me. Something as simple as walking into the water felt like climbing a mountain. When I jumped on the board, my boobs were so painful to lie on. I tried to adjust my weight but then it felt super uncomfortable on my sternum and ribs. I was in shock. What is going on? I can’t even paddle! I sat up, readjusted and tried again. I was so determined but I just couldn’t. I paddled out ten strokes and then turned around and came in. It was so… hard on my heart. I’ve always felt so at home in my body in the ocean and on a board and for the first time, I didn’t.

This day was never supposed to be about me. It was about ‘Olena’s first time in the ocean and also my first time back in too so I wasn’t gonna let this moment ruin the joy. I felt really grateful to feel the salt water on my skin, to be weightless again and to see my baby girl so at peace as the waves kissed her. It was a beautiful and special afternoon for all of us. It wasn’t until later that evening, that I cried alone in the shower. The reality of the day and the questions it left really scared me. Has my body changed so much that I won’t be able to do what I love any more? 

No… I realize it’s just going to take time. It’s going to take patience and kindness and taking it step by step. It’s going to take a perspective of gratitude towards this body and what it’s done. It’s celebrating the little moments of success and gaining confidence as I go. I don’t know how I’m going to do it but I’m going to figure it out. Slow and steady. Everyday I will be that much closer to my dream of getting barreled again.

Really happy to have friends like Danielle Zirk, founder of Imua Moms, to lean on and ask questions. She literally texted me earlier in the day about anticipating all of the above, breastfeeding before paddling out so they aren’t so full and sore and to keep in mind that it’s going to take time for all the surfing muscles to come back. It’s really comforting to know I’m not alone and that there is a path forward. As much as it is scary, a little overwhelming and frustrating to be back at square one, on the flip side I get to fall in love with surfing all over again and experience all the stages like it's a first. First paddle out. First wave. First cutback. First layback. First barrel. All those movements and moments I took for-granted will have new meaning and joy. So instead of being bummed or letting the fear creep in, that’s what I am going to focus on and hold onto.