I experienced a tough day when I strongly desired to hide and cry. However, I remained present for my son's sake. I am determined to guide him through difficult times and emotions and show him that it's okay to express feelings. I refuse to hide my emotions from him. Instead, I explain and display them, emphasizing that crying is not a sign of weakness. It's his compassion that gives me strength.
"The thing about motherhood is how much you work, how little you're paid, and how little you're paid attention to."
It can be extremely challenging to juggle all aspects of life when you're pregnant for the second time. Motherhood is my top priority, so everything I do revolves around it. My career, staying fit, and surfing are all very important to me, but as Melani mentioned in one of her posts, it's impossible to do it all as a mother. I'm realizing that I always come last to everything and everyone, but if that's what it takes to be a mother, then that's the sacrifice I'm willing to make. However, it's one of the hardest things ever.
I work early before any wakes, I'm up late after everyone goes to sleep. I work endless hours cooking, cleaning, laundry, and managing two companies, while trying to be a full-time mother who is still present for her child, as well as keeping up with my passions of athletics. I want so deeply to eliminate the haunting of not having present parents. That hurt is nothing I want my son to carry.
The thing about motherhood is how much you work, how little your paid, and how little your paid attention to. Your exhausted, your emotional, and you feel like an alien in your own skin. The last thing you want to face is the fact that you have tons of bills due and maybe you should go back to waiting tables.
But wait your pregnant! Who's gonna hire me 7 months into it knowing I will be leaving in a few months. I am very lucky to sell art work for a living but it can be scary! It's an election year and people tend to not spend on art on election years. When our surf school is busy I can't work, but when it's slow it's demanded, that I better have shit to sell or else we die. Yet how do I work? When do I work? The only way there is time for me to work is to get up early and work before work, and more work ahead. Normally, I'm game to do whatever it takes but being pregnant with all the demands is more exhausting then running for three hours! I mean that.
"(Remember this next time anyone asks what you do all day.) According to 2021 available data from Salary.com, stay at home moms should earn upwards of $184,820 per year when you tally up their 106 hours of work per week."
So when things get slow not only the weight of keeping the household in order, the people in it alive, all the businesses going is on me to carry, now its the family financial health too. We do a good job of picking up where the other leaves off but sometimes it feels so deeply unfair and downright terrifying. ESPECIALLY pregnant! Maybe I am just emotional but I am having a shit day.
•I woke up to not the best news, and feeling dizzy. STRIKE ONE...but it's ok.
•The day progressed and it got harder, started feeling sick. STRIKE TWO..."keep your head up Danielle."
•Had some business to take care of that just illuminated that I'm not doing enough...STRIKE THREE..."now I'm starting to get upset."
•Imua is throwing fits, and so is my partner...STRIKE FOUR..."deep breathing Danielle."
•Starting to feel sick now, and wanting to cry....STRIKE FIVE..."WTF"
•Ended up having to drop a bunch of money on a bill I didn't know we had, right before Imuas Birthday. STRIKE SIX..."I'm starting to crash"
•Shooting one of my new painting by myself, rushing to get the last of the sunlight, and I tripped, bit my a huge hole in my tongue and was bleeding everywhere, as my new painting went tumbling down the hill. STRIKE SEVEN..."Cant even fight the tears anymore."
•Get home, to see my son playing in the road with out his Dad and I loose my shit. STRIKE EIGHT..."Now my tears turn to rage, OH NO...BREATH."
•Have a not so happy talk with Dad, rally the troops, go inside to realize I didn't take anything out for dinner and now everyone is tired and hungry, lookin at me and I'm ready to just run out of the house screaming. STRIKE NINE..."Now speechless and wanting to run."
•Broke down crying in front of Imua, and felt like a failure, like a weak failure. But then in the middle of it all I remenbered that I am human, caring a human, giving my best to the humans around me. God must have reached to me and reminded me to be gentle. The best thing I could do was be real to Imua and tell him why I as crying and it had nothing to do with him. I explained that sometimes you get overwhelemed and making a baby is hard. He hugged me, told me "your a good mommy and your doing a great job." I just sobbed because his love and compassion is something I have been seeking all my life. It literally melted all the shit that went on and set me free.
I've often wondered why I seem to evade love and compassion. It's as if the universe is conspiring against me. I'm constantly being met with people who are hard on me and expect me to be an ongoing superhero. They tell me it's because I'm intimidating and have accomplished so much, but what they don't see is that I'm broken and confused. While I can do 99.9% of things on my own and for myself, compassion and love are the missing elements of my life.
My family loves me greatly, but my Dad raised us alone. He worked his ass off and I barley saw him. My brother was an athlete and the most loving and compassionate person I knew. But he was busy trying his best on the same path I was on. I read somewhere that God gives sons to those who need to feel true love, and I know that's true. My son is the true love of my life. Not that a daughter can't be that, but I think it's a different kind of love that we get to experience with our children that our souls long for.
Days like today, I just feel like I just can't do or be enough. Looking around I see so many moms have so much help and so many resources and I just get down. Shayden and I do EVERYTHING on our own, no help. I try to focus on my blessings, but some days are just hard. I am not made of money, and I'm not a superstar. I see the world of motherhood in a way that I can't unsee, and the pain of how mothers are treated in society deeply bothers me. There are countries that honor motherhood and help and champion them, so I keep my mind there and hope one day we get to a place where our children are free.
Motherhood can feel like while your doing your best, working your hardest to do everything right, you do everything wrong and suddenly find everyone tapping their feet staring you in the face, annoyed that not doing more. WTF?! Lesson here is, to turn to God and realize that even though it sucks, he is building you for something more. I know I can handle it, I know I am strong, but I also know I have weaknesses I need to fix to be a better mother for my son, and better person for myself. OK, on that note I'm gonna go to bed, pray about it all, and wake up renewed, AND TRY AGAIN. Thank you for being here. Means the world to me. It's ok to have bad days, your not a failure, and your ass looks great! Here is an article I think will help put it all into perspective!!!
You have already overcome 100% of your worst days, you got this.
Love,
Danielle
