Aloha everyone!
I am so excited to join the Imua Moms community and to have a safe place to share and connect with other mamas as I grow. I am 15 weeks into my first pregnancy and feel like so much is happening physically, mentally and emotionally that I didn't anticipate. It can all feel quite overwhelming. There are many days I don't feel like myself and feel so grateful for my women friends that have shared invaluable advice, support and comfort so I don't feel so alone. I hope by sharing my thoughts, feelings and experiences over the next seven months I may be that person for anyone who needs it.
For those of you who don't know much about me, I am a professional surfer. I competed on the World Championship Tour of surfing for 13 years and announced in January 2024 that I would be closing this chapter of my career to focus on starting a family and pursuing other passions outside of the jersey. My husband, Luke, and I talked about starting to try in May. We did the math and if I did fall pregnant, I would still be able to compete safely in the Paris 2024 Olympics at Teahupo'o Tahiti. With all the travel, stress and high intensity training, I was pretty convinced it wasn't going to happen right away.
Well... we were very fortunate and it did! To say I was surprised, shocked and a little bewildered would be an understatement. It took me a minute to wrap my head around what was happening inside me and what I would have to gear myself up to do. Of course I was beyond happy for this miracle but I was going to compete at one of the heaviest, most critical, dangerous, intimidating waves in the world on the largest stage... 10 and a half weeks pregnant.
I really do believe everything happens for a reason and everything happens when it's meant to. Baby added another layer of hard to what was already going to be an extremely difficult task but I felt like the universe sent me just what I needed in that moment of time. I had some nausea and was fighting fatigue in between surf sessions, so I was forced to keep things simple and surrender what was out of my control to save energy. My hormones made me cry randomly and for no reason at all. My bathing suits were starting to fit a little tighter and I was feeling self conscious about my little tummy bulge and growing breasts. I am so grateful for my incredible husband who patiently held my hand, provided soda crackers on demand, reassured me that I was beautiful even when I didn't feel like it and that I could do anything I put my mind to.
A huge goal of mine was to compete calm and collected and get a big, beautiful barrel in the Olympics. I spent over three months training in Tahiti this year and knew I had it in me to make it happen. The first round was held in "as good as it gets" solid five foot conditions. I started the heat off slow and had to wait patiently for a proper set to take the lead. It was nerve racking but I remember rubbing my belly, telling my baby, "Mom's got this. The waves gonna come for us." When it finally materialized, I stroked furiously down the face, quickly popped to my feet, grabbed my rail and slotted into a deep, blue pit. Being surrounded by the intense energy of the ocean and spit out into a cheering channel was absolutely invigorating. It was one of the best barrels of my life and was by far the highlight of my Olympic experience.
In the end, I came up short of my dream of medaling. The following day the conditions were challenging and I just couldn't find the wave I needed to advance. It was a heartbreaking result but baby quickly put things in perspective. A new and beautiful chapter is unfolding ahead of me and there is so much to look forward to. I gave it everything I had and can be proud of that. I can't wait to tell my baby one day that we surfed in the Olympics together and she gave me the strength to hold my head high.
I've only had a little over a month to process. Everything is still so fresh and still sinking in. Two huge life transitions happening at once: leaving the tour and a life I have always known and embarking on this new journey of motherhood. One of the hardest things that I've had to embrace is the change of pace. As an athlete I've been so used to going going going, pushing through even when I don't feel like it and holding myself to a certain standard. This is the first time in my life where sometimes I feel like I don't have the energy or same confidence in my ability and I've had to say no, I just can't. That's kind of rocked my world. Who is this new version of me? Is this forever?
I'm currently in the Maldives for a specialty event and the swell the other day was six foot and barreling. I was so nervous about paddling out in conditions that would normally excite me. My body coordination hasn't been feeling the same and my strength and endurance has definitely declined a bit. I was second guessing if baby and I could handle the power of the waves and currents. I was determined to prove to myself that I still could so we went out with a calculated approach. We waited patiently for our opportunities. Baby and I got barreled and scored some solid turns to make a heat! It was so empowering and rewarding to push past the mental barrier I was facing and still feel a little like myself.
We didn't make it any further in the competition but those waves together felt like a huge win. I probably won't be charging many more six foot barrels for the next half a year and that's okay. I have to trust that I will come out the other side of this not the same but hopefully an even better version of myself. I'm taking it day by day, moment by moment, learning and growing every step of the way. Some days are better than others but I'm trying my best to embrace them all. Baby is already teaching me how to listen and put myself first, how to slow down and surrender, to trust and strengthen my blind faith, and most importantly how to love and show myself kindness.
So that's where I'm at right now. Trying to find a balance between who I was and who I am and preparing for who I am going to be. Have any of you struggled with your identity through this transition into motherhood? I'd love to hear your stories and how you navigated the challenges in the comment section below. Thanks for reading and following along my journey.
Big love,
Carissa
Hi! I pretty much relate to everything you are saying… being pregnant and the year after was for a time of confusion where i had to basically say goodbye to who i was to welcome who i was becoming. While it sounds great, that transition was one of the hardest moments in my life. I did not know what was happening to me and definitely didn’t understand…
After that transition when i had to release my past version to embrace this new me, i became the best version of myself in every single way. And now on my journey for the second one 😀
We think transitions and changes could be easy -pregnancy one of them- but when we think about it, about all the change it makes sense that it’s hard. We change completely who we are in a short period of time. I became someone who was constantly pushing in her life, very analytical to someone that is embracing and enjoying the present time, not as demanding with myself as i was before and living day by day - a completely different person.
As mentioned before in the comments, just surrender and see what you become: it will be great, it will take time but it will not be easy.
Hi Carissa! Congrats on this amazing new chapter in life. You have so much to look forward to. Just imagine in not much time from now, you will get to share your love and passion for surfing with your little one. There is absolutely nothing like it! I'm so stoked for you! And how beautiful that you ended one chapter at the same time you started a new one. Meant to be!!
I am a mom of 6 and relate very much to feeling like you lose yourself or your identity through these transitions and seasons of life. It has happened to me every time. What I have learned is that it is not so much losing who you are, but shedding who you once were and finding yourself again... except this time you are a better, stronger version of yourself. The journey is worth it every time! With each pregnancy and bringing another child into this world, I see everything through a new lens and it expands and stretches me in ways I couldn't have imagined. You will find yourself challenged and pushed to past limits, but somehow motherhood magnifies us in our calling to raise children. With it also comes the inspiration and motivation to climb to new heights and to continue pursuing our dreams, because we are no longer just doing it for ourselves, we are doing it for our children too.
The true essence of Imua Moms is perpetual progress. You are a true exemplar of this ideal by continuing to pursue your Olympic dream while pregnant. This is an experience that few women have the opportunity to have, and it is a testament to the power of a mother's love, courage, and strength. We are honored to have you as a member of our community and look forward to supporting, loving, and cheering you on as you continue to move forward. IMUA!
I never truly understood motherhood, especially this chapter of identity confusion until I became a mother myself. Now I realize that motherhood is magical but can be so confusing, unsupported, and hard journey filled with fear. It is a disorienting chapter in a woman's life because you lose yourself and then return as an entirely different person who is stronger and more unrestrained than ever. While you are stronger than ever, you are unsure how to harness that strength while navigating this new identity, and motherhood simultaneously. I agree with Melanie that you can be all things, but not all at once. But, eventually, you catch on, and having a space where you can be honest and supported is everything.
Transitions are a way for us to discover who we are in God's eyes, not just who we think we are. I discovered that I love who I am after I lost who I thought I was, more than ever before. I know that our children choose us from the stars and that their human experience can be lived and learned only through us. They saw in us, the only way to move forward, so here we are, lucky mothers. This helps me so much because in that vision of myself, my identity is exactly as I am, regardless of what I am on earth. My spirit has value to a soul in search of its purpose. No matter how different I have felt from the world, being a mother gave me my identity with great purpose, rather than self fulfilling things I thought I needed. I still struggle with being a mother and all the things I love, but once I understood the power of my identity as a mother, I KNEW I could accomplish anything.
Thank you for your vulnerability and for sharing your journey with us, Carissa. I went back and watched you surf in the Olympics knowing that you were carrying your baby girl, and I cried, laughed, and then cried again. I can only imagine how powerful your daughter will feel when she watches that one day. You are a true inspiration, and we've got your back always. IMUA!!!!! Always Moving Forward!
I'm loving your journey, Carissa! Your performance in the Maldives was mind blowing! I'm in love with the photo I found of you surfing there. It's so cool that your baby is already teaching you so much. That's the power of love!
You are a champion and will be a champion mom! Surfing during my first trimester was the hardest part for me. The fatigue and nausea pus random body changes were overwhelming. There were so many days that the waves were good, but I just didn’t have the motivation to get out there. I surfed up until the week before my son was born. We got a little barrel at Kamai land and I said “the next time you get barreled baby you will be on your own board!”
The “fourth trimester” or the months and year following birth, were the hardest for me. I am often torn. My son needs me, he doesn’t want me to leave his side, and honestly, nobody can really replace Mom. And yet I still need to fill my own soul. There are so many times when the waves are good, and the childcare is not there or my son needs me and I just have to say “this isn’t the time of life for that.“ I would be lying to say that it wasn’t a complete shift of 180° in my world. I wanted my world to just go on , as it was, with Surfing as my top priority or at least close to my top priority. But the demands and rewards of motherhood made it an easy decision, Surfing had to take a backseat for a while. Of course it won’t be like this for every mother. This is just my experience. When my son was big enough to be left with another childcare provider or with his dad, I surfed as much as possible. I even surfed right through chemotherapy when my son was just two years old. We took our son starting at one year old to Nicaragua, Costa Rica, El Salvador and Panama. We have found creative ways to fit surfing in for both parents. But it does mean, shorter sessions and sessions, timed around naps rather than perfect conditions. The best advice I was given and what I will pass on to you is “surrender to it“. Being a mother requires 100% of us. For a time. The easiest thing and the kindest thing that you can do for yourself is just surrender to whatever your baby needs from you. I think it is a myth that we can have it all, that we can be mom, entrepreneur, boss babe, star athlete and that our children will not suffer. I believe that we can have it all, just not all at the same time. For me, the sooner I was able to let go of what Melanie wanted and surrender to what my son needed, the easier motherhood became.
It is the single most rewarding thing I have ever done. I have grown more in the four years that my son has been alive than in the previous 35 that I was alive. Hold on sister, life is just getting started!
So much love and aloha to you and huge mahalo for your vulnerability to share here!