Who Is This Version of Me?

Aloha everyone!

I am so excited to join the Imua Moms community and to have a safe place to share and connect with other mamas as I grow. I am 15 weeks into my first pregnancy and feel like so much is happening physically, mentally and emotionally that I didn't anticipate. It can all feel quite overwhelming. There are many days I don't feel like myself and feel so grateful for my women friends that have shared invaluable advice, support and comfort so I don't feel so alone. I hope by sharing my thoughts, feelings and experiences over the next seven months I may be that person for anyone who needs it.

For those of you who don't know much about me, I am a professional surfer. I competed on the World Championship Tour of surfing for 13 years and announced in January 2024 that I would be closing this chapter of my career to focus on starting a family and pursuing other passions outside of the jersey. My husband, Luke, and I talked about starting to try in May. We did the math and if I did fall pregnant, I would still be able to compete safely in the Paris 2024 Olympics at Teahupo'o Tahiti. With all the travel, stress and high intensity training, I was pretty convinced it wasn't going to happen right away.

Well... we were very fortunate and it did! To say I was surprised, shocked and a little bewildered would be an understatement. It took me a minute to wrap my head around what was happening inside me and what I would have to gear myself up to do. Of course I was beyond happy for this miracle but I was going to compete at one of the heaviest, most critical, dangerous, intimidating waves in the world on the largest stage... 10 and a half weeks pregnant.

I really do believe everything happens for a reason and everything happens when it's meant to. Baby added another layer of hard to what was already going to be an extremely difficult task but I felt like the universe sent me just what I needed in that moment of time. I had some nausea and was fighting fatigue in between surf sessions, so I was forced to keep things simple and surrender what was out of my control to save energy. My hormones made me cry randomly and for no reason at all. My bathing suits were starting to fit a little tighter and I was feeling self conscious about my little tummy bulge and growing breasts. I am so grateful for my incredible husband who patiently held my hand, provided soda crackers on demand, reassured me that I was beautiful even when I didn't feel like it and that I could do anything I put my mind to.

A huge goal of mine was to compete calm and collected and get a big, beautiful barrel in the Olympics. I spent over three months training in Tahiti this year and knew I had it in me to make it happen. The first round was held in "as good as it gets" solid five foot conditions. I started the heat off slow and had to wait patiently for a proper set to take the lead. It was nerve racking but I remember rubbing my belly, telling my baby, "Mom's got this. The waves gonna come for us." When it finally materialized, I stroked furiously down the face, quickly popped to my feet, grabbed my rail and slotted into a deep, blue pit. Being surrounded by the intense energy of the ocean and spit out into a cheering channel was absolutely invigorating. It was one of the best barrels of my life and was by far the highlight of my Olympic experience.

In the end, I came up short of my dream of medaling. The following day the conditions were challenging and I just couldn't find the wave I needed to advance. It was a heartbreaking result but baby quickly put things in perspective. A new and beautiful chapter is unfolding ahead of me and there is so much to look forward to. I gave it everything I had and can be proud of that. I can't wait to tell my baby one day that we surfed in the Olympics together and she gave me the strength to hold my head high.

I've only had a little over a month to process. Everything is still so fresh and still sinking in. Two huge life transitions happening at once: leaving the tour and a life I have always known and embarking on this new journey of motherhood. One of the hardest things that I've had to embrace is the change of pace. As an athlete I've been so used to going going going, pushing through even when I don't feel like it and holding myself to a certain standard. This is the first time in my life where sometimes I feel like I don't have the energy or same confidence in my ability and I've had to say no, I just can't. That's kind of rocked my world. Who is this new version of me? Is this forever?

I'm currently in the Maldives for a specialty event and the swell the other day was six foot and barreling. I was so nervous about paddling out in conditions that would normally excite me. My body coordination hasn't been feeling the same and my strength and endurance has definitely declined a bit. I was second guessing if baby and I could handle the power of the waves and currents. I was determined to prove to myself that I still could so we went out with a calculated approach. We waited patiently for our opportunities. Baby and I got barreled and scored some solid turns to make a heat! It was so empowering and rewarding to push past the mental barrier I was facing and still feel a little like myself.

We didn't make it any further in the competition but those waves together felt like a huge win. I probably won't be charging many more six foot barrels for the next half a year and that's okay. I have to trust that I will come out the other side of this not the same but hopefully an even better version of myself. I'm taking it day by day, moment by moment, learning and growing every step of the way. Some days are better than others but I'm trying my best to embrace them all. Baby is already teaching me how to listen and put myself first, how to slow down and surrender, to trust and strengthen my blind faith, and most importantly how to love and show myself kindness.

So that's where I'm at right now. Trying to find a balance between who I was and who I am and preparing for who I am going to be. Have any of you struggled with your identity through this transition into motherhood? I'd love to hear your stories and how you navigated the challenges in the comment section below. Thanks for reading and following along my journey.

Big love,

Carissa