To the women I used to paddle out beside, the mamas I see holding it down every day… this letter is for you.
Some of you know me well, or some of you might remember me from years ago out in the lineup, but you may not know the full story of why I left the North Shore and what I’ve been through behind closed doors. I didn’t just up and leave paradise for no reason. I left because I had no other option. I left to protect my daughters, and to rebuild a life rooted in love, stability, and faith.
For the past 7 years, I stayed in a marriage that chipped away at my spirit. I loved hard, gave everything I had, and held on tighter than I should have. I believed in my husband. I helped him build a life. I took him in when he had nothing, taught him English when all he knew was Portuguese, married him and got him his green card, his career, his citizenship, and even helped him get his captain’s license. I gave him two beautiful children. I gave him grace, I gave him chance after chance. And he betrayed it all.
He met me as a wild and free young woman with a loving soul, and over time he slowly turned me into a shell of who I used to be. I used to love surfing as much as I possibly could. And when there were no waves, I would dive for shells and make jewelry, or just lounge at the beach. I always had to be in or near the ocean. I was outgoing and loving to everyone I met. I was so happy and filled with life. Now, I don’t even recognize myself. I became someone who barely left the house, hardly saw my friends, and almost never surfed or even jumped in the ocean, even while living one street from the beach. I became more depressed and anxious than I had ever been in my whole life. I gave and gave, poured until my cup was empty, and then continued to pour some more. I look back now, longing for who I used to be before I met the man who mentally and emotionally abused me.
Three years into our marriage, he admitted to having had an affair. He told me it was a one time mistake with one girl, and would never happen again. He convinced me to stay and work things out. I stayed, because I didn’t believe in divorce (I still don’t if I’m being honest, except for abusive circumstances of course). However, he lied, and I didn’t find out for almost 4 more years. He didn’t cheat on me just the one time he owned up to. He cheated on me endlessly, with at least seven women that I know of. I’m sure there were many more. His mistress, the one he left me for, was out sneaking around with him for over a month before he left me, while I was at home raising our first-born daughter, and still pregnant with our second daughter. I was 7 months pregnant when he left. The mistress knew we were married with children, and yet she didn’t care. She lacked morals and he lied to everyone about me and what really happened between us, playing the victim in his own made-up world. They are both equally home wreckers. Some of the women I found out he had affairs with over the years, he had brought around me as “friends,” he even invited one to attend our daughter’s birthday party. I was completely in the dark all those years and was mortified when the truth finally unraveled. When I began to doubt his loyalty (turns out my doubts were spot on) he manipulated me and gaslit me until I had no clue what the truth was. He made me believe that I was the bad guy, the horrible wife, the one who made up things and was “crazy”. He had me doubting reality every single day. He lied, over and over. He broke me down, piece by piece, and destroyed not only me, but our family. And then he blamed me for the wreckage.
When I was in excruciating chronic pain from a pelvic condition, sobbing on the floor, he was out sleeping with other women. When I was in active labor, he had his mistress deliver food to him at the hospital. He excused his behavior by saying there was nothing wrong with the things he was doing. He told me I didn’t give him enough attention, even while I was suffering and trying to keep our home and family afloat. And the sad thing? I had no idea I was being manipulated and abused until after he left me and I was able to take a step back and look at our marriage for what it really was. When I looked from the outside, I could see that the man I fell in love with was a façade. A version of himself he created to love bomb me. I was so in love with the man I met all those years ago, and had held on so tight to that version of him for so long, that I couldn’t see that it wasn’t even the real him. I can see the real him now, and I am disgusted.
He manipulated me for years—mentally, emotionally, financially. And it didn’t stop when he left home. It continued on… He spent all of our savings on himself and his mistress while I was out of work on maternity leave. He stopped paying for our rent, utilities, groceries, and other necessities while I had no income and was freshly postpartum. I had to apply for food donations just to feed our babies, meanwhile he was wining and dining his mistress on expensive dates and taking her out on the jet ski he bought with our money. And when I told him I’d have to leave Hawaii because I couldn’t afford to stay after he failed to financially support us as he was legally required to, he didn’t step up… he stepped back. He came over to help and see the girls even less. He became more aggressive and manipulative. He even put our 2 year old daughter in danger, driving recklessly at the harbor one evening because of his anger issues. I prayed, begged, pleaded, and fought with all my might to stay in Hawaii, to keep our family whole. But that’s not how it worked out. The man I thought was my soul mate made damn sure that I would not be able to survive as a single mom in Hawaii.
Desperate and in survival mode, I asked for my family’s help to get me and my girls to the mainland where they could help me get back on my feet, and help me with my 2 year old and 4 month old daughters. My parents flew out to help me pack up and sell everything I owned. I watched helplessly as the home and life I had created for myself, and then for my family, slipped through my fingers like sand. With tears running down my face and a hole in my heart, I carried my two babies on that airplane and prayed to God to carry us through this nightmare.
Even from across the ocean, the verbal, emotional, financial, and legal abuse continues. He has not paid the child support he legally agreed to, and he refused to sign the final divorce documents for the divorce that he asked for. The divorce I never wanted, but now so desperately needed to escape his toxicity. I am so grateful to God, because I managed to finalize the divorce without him. Due to his lack of cooperation and the horrible things he put me through, the judge happily granted me the divorce without his final signatures.
Since we have arrived in Texas, we have slowly begun to heal. It has not been an easy journey, but we are still standing. I work hard to keep my girls happy. And I am working hard to get myself back to the wild and free woman I once was. My prayer is that I can take my girls back home to Hawaii one day. I know that God has amazing things in store for us. No matter what, I will raise my girls riding waves on the blue sea. We just need a moment to get on our feet before I can make that dream our new reality.
I didn’t want to raise my daughters without their father. I still don’t. But I won’t lie for him. I won’t cover his tracks anymore. I will never stand in the way of their relationship with their father, but I know that one day my daughters will see the truth for themselves, without me ever having to say a word. And when they do, they’ll know that their mother fought for them with everything she had, and will always continue to do so.
To the mamas, the surfers, the sisters I’ve shared lineups and life with: I’m telling you this not out of bitterness, but out of love. You are strong. You are sharp. But even strong women can get caught in quiet storms.
If this sounds like something you’ve experienced (or are going through now) I want you to know: it’s not your fault. You’re not crazy. You’re not alone. And you are not weak for having loved someone who didn’t know how to love you the way you deserved.
I put up with more than I should have. I loved harder than he deserved. But now me and my girls have a bright future ahead of us. I’m rebuilding. I'm finding my peace again. My girls and I are healing. We're smiling. We're safe. And I'm learning how to thrive as a single mama, even after the hell I went through. I am so grateful that my foundation has always been built on God. My girls were my reason to push through the darkness, but I only survived through His strength. God is so good, and I know he will trade beauty for ashes in His perfect timing.
This is my story, my testimony. Mahalo nui for taking precious time out of your day to read it.
Matthew 7:24-27, Isaiah 61:1-3, Job 22:28
